It's 'a ME!

So explain how I missed Hanson so much in my childhood. I remember them, but I don't remember being in love with them like I am now.

Oh yeah, BTW...


I fell in love with Hanson :D

Toxicity is 0-1. We could be 0-10, but we're not. Which is great. So far this season no one has been injured, unlike last year.

School is nuts. Too much extra curricular stuff.

Story is AMAZING. I write here and there in classes and on weekends, and what I wanted to divorce a few months ago, I am back in love with. These characters are some of my dearest friends.

I'm working on Project Linus.

My old (and favorite) boss is about to have his first child with his wife. EXCITING.

Thats all from Andrews.

It's 2:30 on a Sabbath afternoon

And I know you don't know it.

I have some time to kill right now.

And I wish I could kill it with a phone call to you.

It's 9:30 where you would have been.

And I would have called

And listenend to you complain

About how you couldn't sleep

Or how you can't walk around on your own.

I wish it could be ten years ago

When you would pick me up from school

And go get a Klondike or a Frosty

Even though you really shouldn't have.

But I'm not eight.

I'm eighteen.

And four months ago when Dad called

I didn't talk to you.

And i'll hate myself forever for that.

Because the last time you called me I was sick

And I couldn't pick up.

And then I was too afraid to.

And I know you'll forgive me someday

But I'm sorry now.

And I just wish I could call

And listen to your voice.

That voice that would always love me

And never be angry at me.

Because even though you're not here anymore

I still have your number in my phone.

And I want to call.

But I won't.

Because it won't be you.

WAIT WAIT WAIT. Tell me THIS isn't a contradiction

Especially since I'm on the topic of feeling more feminine, here's something that needs explained to me - How come mensturating is the most womanly thing to do and it makes you feel the worst? I don't think I need to do an in depth monologue about how women really feel about their period (the new commercial for the U line by Kotex does a pretty good job of that...incidentially, it's a fantastic brand to use. In fact, its probably the best way to make you feel awesome during your period...besides eating brownies).

Speaking of, went canoeing with Mom on Sabbath. Crappy canoe, and I'm not very good at steering, so we ended up pulling it half the time. Thus, I pulled muscles in my upper abdomen, and I'm paying dearly for it. It hurts. Any tips on that feeling any better pleeeeease help.

I want to see....

Perrier's Bounty. Seen it?

Be more....girly?

Yeah yeah, you heard me. It's not that I feel like I'm a boy or anything, just somedays you feel less feminine than other days. Sometimes, when you get overwhelmed because you feel fat or your hair won't stay un-frizzed or, and the way I most strongly relate, your boobs feel more like man-boobs. Those feelings all suck. And why should we let them let us feel sucky? This week then, I'm determined to find ways that make girls feel more girly and by default, more awesome. Probably the best way I know is wearing Victoria's Secret underwear. Going to the Victoria's Secret itself can be quite demoralizing, but once you have those underwear you can think "Man, I bought these underwear at the most girly store ever." Same thing with bras. Buying a bra that makes your boobs feel all snug and sexy, or even one that just looks awesome (like mine is orange with polka dots), puts you in a better mood, even when you find out you bought the wrong size belt...

My Nana

You never really know how you'll react. You play out scenarios in your head, wondering "what-if". But sure as anything, Nana passed away this afternoon of a heart attack. Not sure of all the details, but she's been on morphine for almost a month now. She was a cat with nine lives, and you never really knew when to take her scares seriously, because she came back from so many of them. I mean, between heart attacks, bypass surgery, cancer, getting a knee replaces and dealing with infection, you really never knew. But she finally went today. And while I'm really sad I know that it was a long time coming. But what I have to keep setting my eyes on is a conversation that we had a long time ago, before she had heart surgery. She told me that she wasn't afraid of dying, because she knew that she was going to have another life with a body that functioned better, and that she would be there with everyone that loved her. Most of all though, she would be with her Savior. If ever I envied someone with faith, it was her.

Nana, I love you and I'm going to miss you so much. I'm going to miss being the little girl that went to breakfast every Sunday morning and got my stack of french toast and hot chocolate (with whipped cream of course) and you got your number two, eggs over easy with rye toast and home fries, coffee with cream and Sweet n' Low. I won't forget getting a note wrong in a piano song and hearing your voice yelling from the next room "What's that note again?". Maybe I'll think of more when it doesn't make me bawl. Point is, I love you and I'll miss you, but I WILL see you again. Till then, rest in Jesus.

These are a few of my favorite things...

Right now, at 11:11 PM, on a cool early summer night, these are a few of my favorite things:

Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows - my mind was totally blown today. Unlike the anticlimactic ending to 24 tonight, this finale was incredible. I realize that I'm three years behind on this mind blowing, and that it's been a long time coming, but it was worth it.

Now don't roll your eyes as a plunge into something deep about Harry Potter and it's relation to my life, but I'm about to. I started reading the series the summer before my sophomore year of high school. I've just finished my freshman year of college, almost making this a four year deal. And as I look at this group of time, its been a rough four years. The years 14-18 are not pretty, and thats putting it lightly. But there are good things that I can pull out of it, and the fact is, I really didn't want to finish DH. I was tempted to put it off for another week or so. I come to many decisions for what my future is going to bring me, and some seem at hand now. And it's frightening. I can already tell come August I won't want to go back to school, no matter how much fun I will have or how many people I love are there. Something about being home makes me feel like a child again, and while I don't want to be treated as such, there is something comforting about falling back into that position. But I'm not a child anymore, and I can't allow myself to slip there again. I can be a daughter, but not a child.

I always seem to get "Peter Pan Syndrome" this time of year. How odd these feelings are when the opportunity to be a grown up is right around the corner.

But I've gotten away from the point. Deathly Hallows is incredible. For anybody that has read it, The Resurrection Stone, King's Cross, and Colin Creevey particularly reduced me to a pool. I'm up for discussion, if anyone else is. I write this here because if I write anywhere else, I'm rather afraid that I'm going to be condemned to all hell fire...*sigh*

Spring Awakening soundtrack - win. Lea Michel and Jonathan Groff are amazing together.

So whats next on the book list. I'm dragging myself through another Bloody Jack novel (right, because if anything can draw me out of a literary slump, its Jacky NOT getting Jamie in the end...) Ideas?

"He had his mother's eyes." I'm soooooooooooo hung up right now. Seriously...

Help?

So that 3.5.....

.....it's totally not going to happen.

I've just got over recovering a terrible case of dehydration. I got sick last Monday night at midnight, threw up until five AM, slept for two hours, then threw up a little more. Went to the doctor who gave me a shot for my nausea and told me if I didn't keep liquids down by that night that I needed to go to the ER. That night, I kept liquids down, hooray! The next morning at about 4:30 though, I felt nauseas and went to take a anti-nausea pill when, wouldn't you know it, the liquids that had been so well kept down came flying back up. After an hour or so of total agony and dealing with a jerkwad at the front desk of the hospital I was lying in a hospital bed at the ER for the first time in my life, needle in me, dripping liquids, antibiotics, and all sorts of wonderful things. After another agonizing hour and a second try on the anti-nausea medicine I was pretty much totally exhausted and was in and out of sleep for the next few hours. A chest X-ray showed that it wasn't pneumonia, thank goodness. I was dehydrated though, and got two nice full IV bags put into me. I was drugged for a few days and out for the entire week.

And now I'm trying to catch up. That includes two papers, several internet assignments, and getting ready for two tests coming up this week, as well as an essay and a math placement exam. I've been working steadily for most of the day, staying pretty focused and coming up with some pretty good materials. However, when it came to Civilizations and Ideas essay I cracked. I looked at the essay instructions and even though I had helped other people understand them I was completely baffled at it as I tried to do it myself. It was a breakdown. I still don't understand and feel even more stupid than I normally do.

Because lately, I've been feeling like a real idiot. I can't seem to say anything smart. Talking is just stupid, nothing remotely smart ever comes out. I'm the person that's good at just doing what they're told to do and getting it done right, no more, no less. I'm going to be honest and say that sometimes, I am lazy, and I just don't want to do things, but with this essay, I really feel like a failure. It's the first time I ever just looked at something and didn't know what the heck to do. I tried. I tried to write notes, but nothing worked.

So I emailed my teacher and asked him if I can meet with him tomorrow. I know that I'm going to get the "You should have started sooner" speech and I'm so afraid he's going to think I'm a lazy ass. I'm not. I'm just an idiot that needs help. Lots and lots of help. Is this even worth it. Really? Is all the money that I'm paying right now worth this? Worth making me feel like an idiot?